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Sunday, January 4th, 2004
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| Time: | 12:52 am. |
| Mood: | been better. | | Music: | the weakerthans. |
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i want to jump
and feel the rush
i want to jump and feel something
andt to leave this place
i want to forget it all
and turn my back and pretend it never was
if i fell
who would catch me
if i fell who would care
would i care
would i notice anything around as i dropped
if i fell would i care
if i smile will it be normal
if i smile really bright one more time
can we pretend that im fine
if i told you what im thinking
would you care
if i fell would anyone notice
and would i care
if i fell would it be normal again
i cant say whats on my mind
but i can write it for you
on dirty crumpled paper
and a pen that dies in my hand
(some one thought this was about suicide and it mos def wasnt, i wanted to write something and i wrote this and i dont want to kill myself, its about multiple things all at the same time, but not suicide...just thought i should clear that up)
yesterday was insane fun. today was good as well. my dad hates me. and i dont care anymore. screw him. and i dont want to live in my house anymore. and i have to get off in 10 minutes because my father says so. so i guess i will be awake in my room watching re-runs of late night crap and not sleeping till late and waking up for church where no one likes me. great stuff. school starts wednesday and i want to blow it up.
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Thursday, January 1st, 2004
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january 2004:
i want to go to bed
and hide under my covers
and not move or talk or breath or be
and maybe i will wait for tomorrow
for whatever reason tomorrow comes
for whoever it arrives for
and i will face the day
with a lie on my face
and a smile to fool anyone
everyday is just like the day before
let me be
let me hide here from tomorrow
let it pass over me
let me live a day without a second thought
let me live without doubt
i want to go to bed
and i want to hide
i want to be alone and silent
i want a day of knowing
maybe i will wait for tomorrow
for whatever reason it dances by my window
and maybe it will pass me by
because i dont feel like dealing with it
tuck me in:
Tuck me into where it's freezing,
Tuck me into bed with snakes
Tuck me in with the tarantulas,
I wanna let 'em in my mouth
and down my throat to lay their eggs
Tuck me into where there's bleeding,
Where it spills out of the walls onto the floor
Tuck me into where your best friend's apologies
amount to shit, they always did, for ever more
I pour out onto the floor
like liquid white from fallen glass
Nothing to cry over
My skin went sour long ago
It knew it had nowhere else to go
Tuck me into where I'm falling,
Where I can feel the heat rise underneath my wings
and all the fallen angels in hell
will tuck me away from you,
take me away from everything
Tuck me into where there's dying,
Tuck me in with flames and tuck me in with flies,
Maybe then you will appreciate your only friend
with maggots in her eyes or as ashes in the sky
I pour out onto the floor
like liquid white from fallen glass,
Nothing to cry over
My skin went sour long ago
It knew it had no place left to go
I pour out onto the floor
like liquid white from fallen glass,
Nothing to cry over
My skin went sour long ago
It knew it had no place left to go
youve got so far to go:
Soon ends our stay here and it's been fun
So tonight I'll raise my glass to us
'cause we've talked so much
I think we filled this ashtray twice, and I'm pretty sure
we emptied every bottle in the place, so
Let's walk home, let's be afraid
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard
Let's do it right under the streetlight
I want it now, somehow I forgot how
Way to go, way to go
Forgot you've got so far to go
Way to go, way to go
Forgot you've got so far to go
I heard everybody's voice cut out when you spoke
And I watched all the lights go dim
when your eyes opened
Well I can't believe you showed up, what do I do now?
It's last call, time to go
But before we say goodnight
Let's walk home, let's be afraid
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard
Let's do it right under the streetlight
I want it now, somehow I forgot how
Way to go, way to go
Forgot you've got so far to go
Way to go, way to go
Forgot you've got so far to go
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go
private eye:
I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
And I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye
alkaline trio might be the easiest band ever to identify with.
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the leaves collect at my feet
as i walk away from it all
borwns and reds
and failures not found
fears too real to ignore
and i walk
head down
in any direction but here
i get lost in the sound
leaves crunch as dreams die at my feet
brown and red
my life blood fallen on these leaves
and failure's not yet found
fear is too real to ignore
and it talks too loud in my ear
so i walk
head down
in any direction but now
i get lost in the sound
leaves crunch as dreams die at my feet
and i dont want to know
if i should go
street lights are on
and maybe i can hear again
browns and reds
leaves at my feet
my life blood surround them now
and my failures comming to the surface
fear is screaming in my ear
and i walk with my head down
and i move any direction from here
and i move any direction from now
and i move
and the leaves crunch
and im lost again
in a month and 44 minutes i turn 18. kind of scary. i dont think i want to grow up anymore...
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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
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today was uneventful until around like 5 ish. then me and elena hung out. good times. we were going to go to ocala but decided it was too far away. and i would have felt obligated to see some friends and all that and i just didnt have the gas for it in my redneckmobile. so we went to the mall at like 7ish or something and it was closed like idiots. then we went to kmart(i hate that the closest mall to us has a kmart as an anchor store) i spoted quite a few disgusting she mullets and scored 13 points. i saw some girls there that i had met a few months ago. and they said scott augustine is more charming and etc than i am. so we talked for a bit and then i couldnt think of anything to say so we left. we went to dennys and that was fun. i burnt my tongue on hot omelete. then we went to wal mart and walked around for a while. cori called but i get horrible reception there. and i spent some of my 50 bucks that im supposed to spend with her, but maybe i can get some more some how. i dropped elena off, stopped by the ellis' house to make my mom happy and now im home alone which is kind of good. i didnt feel like being here with family or anything.
school starts again soon and i hate that a lot. i really dont like it there and dont want to go back. it sucks. i think i want to go to the art institute of boston to learn adio production... and then after i have some money start up my own label. that would be nice.
i think maybe im done then.
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i have a horrible and annoying cough...someone make it stop...
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Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
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| Time: | 5:25 pm. |
| Mood: | been better. | | Music: | the get up kids. |
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the other night, i just remembered this, i had the weirdest dream. in it i was like edward scissor hands and a scarecrow. i was int he back yard in some field of some kind of plant. like corn or something. and this guy who was evil and maybe adam, i forget wanted my scissor hands. so i took them off b/c they were just gloves and gave them to him. and then i realize3d it was a mistake. i tried to go inside, but my family didnt recognize me. they thought that the evil guy(he looked a little like a ratman) was me. and i couldnt convince them who i was. i named off all of their birthdays and everything about them. and they still wouldnt believe me. real adam in the dream brought a shot gun out and tried to shoot me and my grand father took a few shots at me with some gun. and no matter what i did or said they wouldnt believe i was who i am. i hated it.
i forget what i dreamed last night, nothing important i guess. in some other dream i could feel my heart hurt. like someone put a needle in it. like a heart attack or something. now i dont like sleep. thats a lie, i still lvoe sleep. but not if my dreams keep being strange.
today i woke up at 12 and we didnt have milk so i didnt eat. i still havent really eaten today at all. but i did take out the grabage, swept the drive way and washed my car. which adam has at the moment out in g-ville.
im going out though, tonight, some girls going away party. she is going to live in utah for school and all. so im getting a ride again for like the first time since ive had the lisence. maybe we wont stay there too long. i went there last night to watch movies. i brought empire and no one really liked it at all. eff them, i liked it so they can all die.
i didnt go to busch gardens at all, so that sucks. my dad is insane and says he can accuse me of anything he wants b/c he is the adult and i have to take it. yeah, not going to do that. screw that and him if thats what he thinks its going to be like. he can kick me out, he wants respect but refuses to give me any. this break is sucking a lot and i dont want to be at home for the rest of it.
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Monday, December 29th, 2003
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| Time: | 1:00 am. |
| Mood: | been better. | | Music: | alkaline trio. |
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my family depresses me sometimes. just the constant nagging and yelling at me. it always seems as though im not really a member at all. and then i take a look outside myself and realize that they are related to me that i came from them and i am who i am in part because of them. "im related to people i dont relate to." calvin said that once. sometimes i just feel like an outsider. like maybe i dont belong in a lot of places and that maybe i should just hide or something. get away and maybe just watch allt he real people and see how they like each other. and all day ive just wanted to sleep for no other reason then i dont have to deal with being yelled at and not fitting in. there is no need for so much noise everywhere.
elena called me and that made me happy. and i set up the new computer. its all right. faster than the old one. and then cori called me back and we talked for a while and that made me happy too. i need more things to make me happy.
damX the man.
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Sunday, December 28th, 2003
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driving
dont know where im going
but i know i want to get there fast
leave this all
never look back
i want to run
a mile a minute
maybe we can meet halway there
we'll stop at a diner
and speak our minds
driving fast
lost in speed
i dont want to be found
lets meet half way
we'll go some place quiet
and say what we are thinking
yeah, we'll say what we think
lets get lost in speed
and just keep going
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the wedding sucked. and thats all i did today. i went down to the church to be shown all the stuff i would have to deal with there. my dad made me listen to led zepplin on the way there, i had brought my cds to listen but he wouldnt let me. so then we went to my grandmothers house and came home. im taking it easy for a bit and my dad tells me that i have to "go down there" for music stuff... so i think "down there" that means the church. i drive to lecanto... no ones there. they are all at the courthouse. by the time i get there everyone is dressed up and ready to go. im in jeans and a t shirt, i need a shave and a shower and im being told that i have to play the music there too. i didnt know that. apparently i was told this in the morning when my mom woke me up. not the best time to tell me anything at all. so i come home and do all these things, shower, shave, wear my effing suit and im back at the church...4 hours of country music. when i get married... no rednecks straight up, none. i thought wed have to mop up tobacco spit from the floors. on the way home atom is calling ppl and serving and going too fast and we get pulled over. the cop asked if we had any kind of drugs or illegal stuff on us. and for some reason i had to give him my ID even though i wasnt driving. i get home and i called jocelyn(a friend in utah) that was cool. talked to a few ppl, michelle and kelesy or chelease or however. and then kendra starts giving me crap on AIM. stuff like how she is "done trying to be friends..." and then something about how i have to be interested in her in order to want to talk to her... a bunch of crap. it made me sick.
my dad likes pulling the parent card on me. my mom too. i dont get it. they are my parents so they control me for no other reason than that. they can treat me like crap and i cant do a thing/ they can come to whatever level im on and i cant ever go up to theirs. i think thats a bunch of crap. they give me crap all the time, so i give it back. they try to make fun of me or tease me or whatever they want to do and i will go off on them like i would to someone my age doing the same thing. hypocrites. that also makes me sick.
in conclusion this day really just sucked. i wish i had talked to cori because that usually makes me feel better. but i got her voice mail and now its too late to call. stupid everything.
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Saturday, December 27th, 2003
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confusion sets in one more time
crexcent moon tonight
cheshire cat smile
i can never say what i want to say
i will blame it on the smile
jet trail below
it ruins a perfect sky
crescent moon tonight
cheshire cat smile
i can stand on my head if you want
if it pleases you so
i can stand on my head
and maybe i will let you know
my heart hurts in dreams
crescent moon tonight
cheshire cat smile when we were kids
remember that
cheshire cat
open smiles
no pretending to be sane
confusion sets in
cheshire cat smile
jet intake below
this ruins it for me
i can stand on my head if it pleases you so
my hands are getting tired
but my heart hurts in dreams
im not done feeling ill to myself
cheshire cat moon
in the sky tonight
if it will please you let me stand on my head
once more confusion and frustration take their place in my mind
and i feel sick to myself
i will stand on my head for you
under the cheshire cat smile and jet intake
felt like writting and then this came out.
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Friday, December 26th, 2003
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today there was some band practice. we got this song down, what ive become. and the second verse i start to like emo scream and we all jsut really got into it and were all excited. it really rawx.
that stupid wedding is tomorrow and i have to wear my suit for some idiot reason. its at the bloody court house and then back for the reception. my parents are forcing me to wear the suit. i hate it so much. i told my mom it was stupid. and i how i hate how i cant have a say in anything. i re-emphasized the stupidity of me having to wear a suit(i doubt anyone else will be wearing one of the stupid things)and told my mom to keep talking, wanting to know more of the hatreful crap i have to do tomorrow for a person i hardly know anymore and thinks im just like atom. so she hung up on me. my parents are 10 years old sometimes. its like they need someone to take their hand when the cross the street. whatever. im probably grounded when they get home.
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Thursday, December 25th, 2003
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last night we had dinner and everything. traditionall crap for crap. my dad used this phrase twice "whats that thing that used to really get to Evan?" ... yeah, my dad was out to get me as well last night. great stuff. he is almost 50 and i swear its like he needs a babysitter badly.
atom got me some shirts from NYC. soem shirt with some weird word on it that i dont even know and this black and blue stripped pirate-ish shirt. cool stuff from adam.
my grandmother gave me 50 bucks, im looking forward to spending that in anyway. not a lot of cash, but enough to make me happy. i got 2 cds from the cure, one from the smiths and i got a rush of blood to the head by coldplay. i dont care who doesnt like them, those bands rawk real nice. i also finally got a huge book to hold all of my cds, a book on magic for some reason, an amp and a microphone, but its the wrong kind so we are going to take it back soon so i can get a better one. and i got ferris buelers day off DVD and oh yeah, the special fan edition of empire records. that makes me happy. i think im going to watch it today and maybe with some other people later on or something. empire is mos def a friends over kind of movie. and we got a new computer, that too. a bunch of games for the xbox and blah blahblahblah. i have that wedding soon. seriously, someone, anyone, keep me company... its so much country and ughhhhnjksnijdnfiwjrg.... but i said i would. maybe im too nice sometimes. whateva. have a good christmas and everything.
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Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
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my head hurts and its been hurting for a few hours and i feel kind of sick or something. stupid chirstmas eve. christmas eve eve was so much better.
we are having some big meal tonight and then some presents and then tomorrow is some more presents. woo hoo greed! haha. i say it like im offended at the prospect of getting free stuff. im very much not opposed to that at all.
i think tomorrow im going to go driving around to see some friends and tell them merry christmas and everything. good times.
saturday this girl that my family knows is getting married and im "in charge of music" which means they are giving me a cd to play and i have to talk into a mic every now and then... anyone want to come with? give me some company and all that.
im going to go, so merry christmas everyone and all of that.
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i had some more vocal practice at mikes, that was kind of fun, we got some pizza and his 2 brothers, him and me had a discussion on comic book characters and the like. nerd times all the way woot woot.
then we went to the pooles house, we being erin, her friend and myself. the pooles are this family from idaho that came down to CR for like a year long vacation and went to my church. while there we played some games and all and cori called me. apparently she had tried to call before but i wasnt home and i wasnt getting any service at mikes. anyway, my friend answers my phone and tells her im making out with some girl, mos def was not. so me and cori ended up talking for like 2 hours or some long amount of time, that was cool, but my battery died. when i went back inside the house people were like, oh, youre off the phone now. blah blah blah. sorry i missed out on all the high flying action of sardines guys. and then like all the people left except for erin and her friend and me. and andrea(the only daughter) and i talked about our friend brian and his self destructive online relationship. he is happy and all, but she isnt aloud to have a boyfriend or something and her parents are crazy, i feel kind of bad for her. and him. but tomorrow we are probably going to hang out. i didnt get home until like 20 minutes ago, its crazy.
in 24 hours it is christmas, and i honestly dont feel it at all.
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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
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christmas is in 2 days..wow. it doesnt feel like it at all... i dont think i care too much about christmas anymore, seriously i dont think i do. what age is too young to stop believing in santa? i stopped when i was 5 because adam( he was still adam then) told me that he wasnt real and so i was mad for a few minutes and then i guess i just accepted it. i dont remember believing in him until adam said he wasnt real. odd. alec, my little brother, never believed in him. something about that is kind of sad for some reason.
i think im going to hang out with my friend brian tomorrow or something. we usually do stuff on christmas eve. i forget if we did last year... whatever.
my parents are finally shopping for me today. its about time. all that i put on my list were a few cds, some DVDs and clothes. hopefully they will jsut giveme some cash so that i can buy my own clothes. no offense to them, but id rather buy my own clothes.
im bored out of my head right now. not fun at all...
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Monday, December 22nd, 2003
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| Time: | 9:23 pm. |
| Music: | the cure- just like heaven. |
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in other news: erin also might have rabies...im so glad i didnt touch that cat... but i dont trust erin or atom enough to not bite me and try to give me rabies. both of them have said that they would and they are both sick enough to do that to me... so maybe i need a place to stay until i know i wont be biten by my rabies infected siblings.
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me and mike had some vocal practice today, it rawked pretty good, i hit my notes and all, just takes a little practice, and we made a new song, or the outline of one in like a minute, it was great.
on my way there i saw the mullens, mr and mrs running.. the most high-larious/disgusting thing ive ever seen. mr mulled had on these short bright yellow running shorts and a fany pack. it was great.
atom might have rabies, which i think will be extremely funny in retrospect, but my mom doesnt think so now. one of our cats was sick, you see, and my mom was taking it to be put down and it bit atom, and so we have to wait like a week before we know if it had rabies... i still think its kind of funny that he might have rabies.
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i woke up a few hours ago. i wanted to sleep longer, but i cant get back to sleep sometimes. i was watching Tv and my mom is like, "you arent watching TV all day..." i wasnt going to, but it means that she or my dad(most likely my dad because if you are home from school you should be doing some kind of chore or youre worthless...someone save me today, please...) wants us to do some chores. eff that, im in school forever and i want some time to just not be doing anything, that'd be the point of a vacation. i dont yell at them to buy me things and do stuff when they arent working or anything. mos def doing things differently when i have kids.
april and matt(atoms friends) came over last night... i almost waved or gave some kind of greeting to april... then i remembered that she doesnt like me and she sold me out to the kidz when she told me and elena how much better we are than them and blah blah blah... let her being an effing melodramatic moron. whatever. im bored and im going to go. i wish i had some more mandarin oranges.
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Sunday, December 21st, 2003
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| Subject: | nothing |
| Time: | 11:33 pm. |
| Mood: | meh. | | Music: | saves the day- jessie & my whetstone. |
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i watched that volcano high thing on Mtv, it was good stuff. good movie.
my friend called me up a few minutes ago to ask about a song we heard yesterday that i had and he didnt know it. i dont care to help him out or anything, but its like 11 20 that he called and i dunno how much my parents appreciated it. haha, oh well.
jenna is down from utah and everything, so i think that maybe we will hang out or something.
elena, i dunno when atom will want to hang out...he is behind me with his parka on, and holding the collar of it up to his eyes..he isnt moving or tlaking at all. just standing there... he is crazy...
well... you're SORT of emo. whatever.
try listening to more dashboard.
stick this in your blog, and show the world that
you are a wishy-washy, not-quite-emo lump of matter!
...hmmm, there was a pic of charlie brown on that, but it isnt showing and i dont care to make it, just imagine a picture on top of that description of how emo i am/ am not.
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i cant get on AIM until thursday or friday or some crap because my sister was being an incredible BI when i wouldnt get off the computer, i was talking to a lot of people and sending files and my sister freaks out and calls my parents and tells them ive been on for hours or some crap. she gets on for like 6 hours at a time, i get on for a few and she should just let it be that. so if anyone wants to do anything or schedule anything call me or something. i kind of dont want to be stuck in the house for this whole bloody break.
anyway, i went to freedom on friday, that was good stuff. im mos def going there from now on. great times. apparently some people warned him of my coming, even someone i dont even know which is odd.
then we had band practice and went to wendys after. i think we decided to be a more emo-ish kind of band. im sick of the punk rock bands from here and i didnt want to do that, so i think we all agreed to just not do punk rock.
the drama party was cool even though i was late. no worries. still fun times. i took elena home and she is letting me borrow empire, so that rawx, and some books and stuff. great times there too
yesterday went to orlando for some church stuff and when i got home i went with some friends to go see LOTR(awesome, btw). i called cori to see if she wanted to go, but i forgot that she left today and she was in atlanta. then we went to the huddle house. we= robby,atom,tod,craig,nick and me. tod just got back from iraq and so he is down and we hung out. hes got a 3 inch scar or somethin froma car bomb over there. scary stuff.
i think im going to die because i have this killer, hacking cough and it sucks a lot and it sounds like im losing organs.i hate it.
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almostahero's journal
blah.
pleased.